Confessions of a Serial Dater
by Dragonclaw11
Summary: For some reason he can't explain, Sirius Black owns a diary.
1. December 25, 1977, the Introduction

**December 25, 1977**

**Place: Boys' Dorm**

**Mood: Disgraced, shamed, mortified, embarrassed-!**

* * *

><p>Hi. The name's Black. <em>Sirius <em>Black. Alright, alright, _Sirius Orion Black_. And-

…Shut up, James. No, I will _not _name this…diary thing. And-

James told me to add that I am a boy of sixteen that writes in a diary. Yeah, well, James can just go…do something else. I'm sure a diary like you is wondering why the heck I am writing in this in the first place.

I prefer the term, _journal_ by the way.

Well, my friend here, James "Prongs" Potter, decided that it would be a laugh to get me a diary for Christmas. A fricken diary! And, to add to the humiliation, James put a jinx on in it-or you, or this-to make me write in it every day.

Every. Single. Day.

Quit laughing, James. How do you not see something wrong with this? No, I will _not _name the diary! …You even have Remus laughing, for crying out loud. I'm ashamed, and you're just adding to the humiliation.

I'm just going to go now. The Introduction is over. And-

James says I need to write at least five hundred words a day. He has a tracker on it, and the diary shocks me repeatedly if I don't write in it.

Some best mate he is! *huffs* Fine. I'll write in it because I want to. Not because I _have _to.

James says wanting to write in a diary is making me lose my virility or 'manliness'. But what would James know about being manly, anyway?

More than you, he says.

Shut up James, I say.

Fine. I'll write something. I might as well write about little Jamesie boy's gift he received from me…

Ha. Now James is begging me to stop. Oh well…*evil smirk*

Okay, so, today's Christmas. I don't know if we've established this or not, but, it's Christmas. Currently Christmas night, Christmas was this morning. But this morning, we, the Marauders, all gave each other gifts, right? (James gave me this ruddy thing, Peter gave me a quill, and Remus gave me chocolate to eat while I'm writing. Ha. Ha.) Anyway, I actually didn't get James a gift.

Lily did.

*snickers* Okay, you kind of had to be there to get it. But anyway, the thing is, I gave James a gift with Lily's name on it, and then gave him a separate gift that was also from me. The separate gift was some Zonko's stuff, but anyway, when James saw the gift he-thought-was-from-Lily-but-really-was-from-me, he was as squealish and girlish. Disgraceful for a Marauder, really.

_Mr. Prongs would like to add that it takes one to know one._

That was the worst come back ever, you know that?

_Well, you would know all about worst come backs, wouldn't you?_

Hush. He was all, 'OMG, Sirius, Lily got me a gift! *eek*!'

_Was not._

Was too. Now shove off.

_Oh, is Padfoot getting protective of his diary now? You should totally name it, you know._

It's not a diary! It's a journal! And no, I will _not _name it. You know whatever you write contributes to what I write, too, right?

…

*cackles madly* 'Kay. So James was like,

'OMG!'

And I was like, '*cackle* Good for you, Prongs.'

And James was like, 'OMG!'

And I was like, 'Good for you, Prongs.'

And, 'OMG!'

And then I said, 'What the Merlin, be quiet, James.'

And-

_Padfoot, you sound like a girl._

Shut up. And then I told James to give Lily a hug and thank her (the gift was this broom polishing kit, not a real one, just plastic, but James doesn't need to know that) so he said, 'Okay'. And while he was off running and screaming like the little girl he is-

_Hey!_

-I was laughing. So deciding to follow, I followed and James was there in the common room with Lily. So James was like, 'thank you, thank you, thank you' and Lily was like, 'What the heck get away from me you freak' So James said, 'Thanks for your gift.' Much more slowly.

And then what happened after was hilarious.

Lily stared at James like he was a mental patient from Saint Mungo's (Which he could be if he tried)

_Hey!_

-and said, all slow like she was talking to a three-year old or something, she was like, 'I did not give you a present, Potter.'

So James says, 'Yes you did, its right here.' And he shows it to her.

So the whole time Lily was staring at the kit and the nametag and then she waves her wand over the gift. A moment later she was like, 'You're an idiot. How do you not recognize your best mate's writing?'

And so I was like, Ha.

James gets all flustered and is like, 'But-but-'

So Lily blinks at him and says. 'Get away from me, Potter.'

So the whole time James is walking away and pouting, he doesn't realize Lily is wearing the necklace he gave her. And-

_Whoa, whoa, wait. What?_

James. And-

_Why didn't you tell me! It would have helped my self-esteem, you know._

James?

_Yes, Paddy?_

Sod off. And after that James sees me and comes running and starts screaming, and he acts like and sounds like a total girl, you know? So while James stood there screaming, Lily snuck up behind him and hexed his hair pink. And then she was like, 'Merry Christmas, Potter'. And she walks away laughing. Good huh?

_No it was not good you little-_

Now it may not sound funny to you, but you're just a diary, so what do you know? You had to be there. Anyway, this is over, so, bye.

_No, Sirius. You have to sign off with a cool signature or something. You can't just say, 'bye'. How un-Marauder like is that?_

*huffs* Fine. See ya later, dia-_ray_.

Signing off,

The Great Sirius Orion Black

…_*snicker*_


	2. December 26, 1977, A Bad Day

**December 26, 1977**

**Place: Gryffindor Common Room**

**Mood: Gleeful, Amused**

* * *

><p>It's been hard, this past day.<p>

What? No! Not for me, but for Prongs. James would just about die if he knew what I was writing right now, but considering he's up in the dormitory brooding, I need to get this down quick and-

Oh, darn it. Lily's coming over. I need to-

…Hide. Hold on. Be right back.

…

…

…

…

…That was the worst one minute of my life.

Lily says, 'What are you doing, Black? Writing in a diary?'

I pull the journal-_journal_-closer and say defensively, 'I prefer the term _journal_.'

Then I have to endure fifteen seconds of Lily staring at me like I'm a freak and then she says, 'Well, good job with that. And tell me when it's your time of the month, okay? I wouldn't want you to deal with such a new thing alone.' And then she walks away.

So basically she was implying in a not-so-witty way that I was being a girl. If Prongs was here he would agree with her and then they would kiss and get married and have tons of little Prongs-and-Lily-Evans-oh-snap-it's-Potter-kids running around and I'd be godfather to them all and they'd all live in Godric's Hollow and-

Right. I said it was hard this past day. Darn it, journal, try not to let my mind wander all the time, okay?

If James were here he would tell me to name it/you instead of calling it/you journal. But since he's not, I'm going to have it in my head and write it down.

'See, Padfoot, you just talked to it. Doesn't it deserve a name?'

'Shut up, Prongs.'

…I'm a strange little boy.

'Don't worry, Padfoot. Acceptance is the first step to recovery.'

Wow. I'm even hearing his voice in my head…

_Actually, Sirius, I'm sitting right across from you, you daft toad. _

Thanks for the insult, mate. It's really good for my esteem.

_Well, you deserve it! You were almost going to tell them about my day. And we can't have that, now can we?_

Wipe that little smirk off your face, Jamesie Pie. I know what you're going to do.

_Oh yeah?_

Yeah. You're going to jinx me.

_Then what are you going to do about it?_

I'm going to do…this!

…Ha. See how James made no comeback? I just_ Petrificus Totalus_ed him. Take that, Jamesie Pie!

…His glaring is getting scary. I'll just…write now…

Okay, so, today, the day after Christmas, also known as Boxing Day, James and I woke up. It was a normal day, really. The birds were chirping. The sun was shining. James' hair was still neon pink. And we were all happy…

As happy as you can get after having a ruddy Christmas. No, no, Remus and Peter were just _fine! _Dancing around, having normal conversation, or, in Peter's case…screaming…

Ahem. I mean singing. It's rather hard to confuse the two when you're dealing with Peter.

So they were acting normal, and James and I were sulking, and we were walking down to the Great Hall, right? So then Snivellus walks by, and he calls to Jamesie, 'Nice hair, Potter.'

And so then James shoots back, 'I know, right? Come talk to me sometime, I'll help you liven up those greasy locks of yours.'

And so then Snape uses Levicorpus, (How unoriginal. I mean, how pathetic can this guy get, really? It's like it's his own signature curse or something. It's like, he thinks he _owns_ it.) and James dangles upside down, so then James fires Stupefy, but it doesn't hit, so while I use Liberacorpus on Jamesie, James falls, and then he uses Petrificus Totalus (odd, huh?) and so Snape gets hit, but not before he uses Langlock and James' tongue is glued to the roof of his mouth. So then Lily comes and tells James to release the curse on 'Oh, so dear, fragile, precious Severus' (I added that, in case you couldn't tell. But you're a bloody diary, so what do you know?)

So James does and then as soon as Snape gets up he's like, 'Mudblood.'

And then James tries to hex him again, but fails, and Lily turns on him and demands the whole story, but he can't say anything, so Lily gets mad at him and storms away, so then Sinvelly's like,

'Goodbye, Potter.' And sneers and walks away, but James hits him in the back with Oppungo and Avis. And then he gets detention from McGonagall, who just _happens _to be walking by that moment.

Can you believe that?

Oh, yeah. And James is so depressed his head falls in his eggs, making his face covered in it.

*snickers* That was a good laugh, if I do say so myself.

So Jamesie Pie decides to visit the kitchens during a free period, right? (How would I know? James tells me everything. Are you really that thick? …Do you get my joke? 'Cause, you're a diary, and, I asked if you were thick, so, you know, thick pages and stuff…) And Filch catches him and he earns himself another detention.

His day gets worse, like failing his Potion and all that, but you really don't need to know.

_Just name the stupid diary, Sirius._

J-James?

_Remus released me. You git! I can't believe…_

Now, now, James. The time for scolding will come later at a better time. Do you really want to make a fool of yourself in front of Gryffindors _again_? My, my, you odd little boy.

..So, then-Eeek!

_Mr. Prongs would like to say that I cast Avis and Oppungo and I can do it again._

Right, James. But sheesh, do you really have to act like such a Malfoy…?

…_I'm going to bed._

Alright, James. But be careful, that's the-….girls' dorm stairs.

_*huffs* Lovely. Now I'm sure everyone thinks I'm as pervy and playerish as you._

Wh-what? *scoffs* I am not pervy or playerish!

_Padfoot. You broke up with another of your girlfriends two weeks ago, and now you're going out on a date with Jennifer Summers from Ravenclaw._

Well-oh, snap! I have a date!

_Yeah, mate. _

Today?

_Today, mate._

Now?

_Right now, mate._

And-oh, stop it with the mate stuff already!

_Sure, mate._

…I'm just…gonna go.

Signing off,

The Great Sirius Orion Black

…_Good for you, mate._


	3. January 4, 1978, Shannon

**January 4, 1978**

**Place: Boys' Dorm**

**Mood: Pained, Awkward**

* * *

><p>How many days has it been? Nine, was it? Interesting. It might also be interesting to know, diary, that I am in immense pain right now.<p>

_You deserve it, Padfoot._

Do not.

_Hey. I warned you that if you didn't write in it, you'd get shocked, right?_

Yes. But what you didn't tell me is that the shock gets stronger and stronger each day I don't write!

_De. Served._

Ha, it looks like you said. "De" and then said "Served", Prongs.

_Fine. Deserved._

Is not.

_Is too._

Is not.

_Is too._

Is not.

_Your hair is stylish._

Is not. …Shut it, Prongs.

_Ha, ha. Now what lesson did this teach you, Padfoot?_

That I must write in my diary every day?

_You said diary. No, not that._

Journal. I meant journal. No? Then what is it?

_That you can't outsmart me._

Then how come Evans does it all the time? Okay, okay, I get it…but Jamesie boy! I have a proposition for you.

…_What? Padfoot, can't you just say you have an offer?_

Like I said, I have a proposition for you. How about you release this shocky-thing-

_No._

You didn't even let me finish.

_No._

How about-

_No. No. No._

I'll-

_No._

I'll name the friggin diary if you release the shock-a-ma-jig!

…

Hee. Now that's an offer you can't refuse.

_How about, you name the diary and have an intro like, 'Dear—'?_

…

_Tick, tock._

Erm…

_Shocky, shocky, Padfoot! Tell me, is your hair still prone to random charges, and are you still prone to convulsiveness of the hand?_

Fine! Just lift my shocks and shakes now, will you?

_No thanks. I don't know how._

Fine. I'll just go see Pomfrey.

_I don't think that's a good idea. You're going to say I hexed you, she's going to ask me why, and guess what I'll say?_

I don't have to guess, you'll just say it-

'_I didn't hex him, I hexed his diary.' But I will make sure the Slytherins are conveniently in the room, after I jinx one. Or two. Or three-_

-anyway. Just lift the dang hex off the journal.

_Right. All done, Paddy. Now name it. Come on, you can do it. Now, I know you might have some trouble thinking of a name, seeing as you have no idea if it's male or female, and I don't know what you would want, but-_

Shannon!

_What?_

…Yeah. Shannon Diary. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

_No._

Hmph. We don't care what you think, right, Shannon? Right, precious?

_You're sounding like that guy from Lord of the Rings…_

What's that?

_Nothing. Just some Muggle book I nicked from Evans. Are you sure you like the name Shannon, Sirius?_

Yeah. Well-

_Too late, I already cast the charm, your diary is now officially a girl._

Can it write back?

_No. Why would you want that? That's just creepy. What fool would write in a diary that writes back?_

Good point. I'm no fool.

_On second thought…_

Never mind, I'm leaving now.

_Wait!_

Wait what?

_You still haven't done the Name-Your-Diary-Initiation Ceremony._

Name your diary what?

_I know I cast the charm, but you need to say the ceremony._

Erm…?

_Here're the words, Siri._

Don't call me Siri.

_You let your cousin call you that._

Yeah, well, she's like…four or something. But then again, you act four…Alright, I'll read the ruddy paper. Ahem.

Dearest Diary, we now join hands to form your name. As this is written on the first page of the diary, it shall strengthen our bond. But if it isn't, I'm a n00b and a fool for not listening when a friend tells you to name a diary. So we join hands, and I now speak your name. Shannon. Shannon. Shannon. Shannon Diary-….hea!

…Er…

_Spiffing, spiffing. You're name is now written on the front._

But James-

_But Sirius._

It doesn't say diary.

_Oh, it doesn't?_

Yeah. What's weird is I wrote the 'Diary' when suddenly my hand felt like…all weird. So I added the extra 'hea' and now it says…to put it lightly…

_When have you ever been for being light? Just say, 'nasty stuff'. Are you going soft in your old age, Padfoot?_

I'm not old! I'm sixteen, I hardly think-

_You were saying? _

My hand felt all tingly and weird. Odd, huh?

_How odd._

Cut it with the smirk, James, I know you hexed my hand.

_You can't outsmart James._

James-…James? James C. Potter, come here! You may have the Invisibility Cloak, but I have the Marauder's Map! Give it up! James Potter! Come. Here! Argh!

Signing off,

The Great Sirius Orion Black

_Oh, Siri…_


	4. January 25, 1978, New Year's

**January 25, 1978**

**Place: Boys' Dorm**

**Mood: Neutral**

* * *

><p>Dear Shannon,<p>

Stupid James and his stupid signature. Well, at least I can choose how long I don't write in you. Twenty one days, baby! Er, I mean, diary. You know what-never mind.

Anyway, I am in the Boys' Dorm-I've learned my lesson to never take this into the common room; or, at least, when Evans isn't there. Now, what to say...

Blimey! It's been twenty five days since the New Year, and I haven't even mentioned the party yet! I'm an idiot. James, don't-

_Too right you are._

Shut it. Anyway, the party! Sorry I haven't gotten around to telling you, Shannon, but James has been keeping me busy-and pranks. And McGonagall…

_Do you hear-or, see, I guess-yourself? You wrote, 'sorry I haven't gotten around to telling you, Shannon'._

And?

_Padfoot, you're acting like the diary is a person._

Le gasp! The was an accident, it will never happen again.

_Right. Me and Remus are betting as you write-five galleons says you'll do it again in this entry._

Yeah? Five galleons says I won't-ever!

_A bit extreme, don't you think?_

Remus? Remus Lupin and James Potter! Get out of my diary!

…_hea. _

_That sounded-or looked, we're writing on paper-er, wrong._

Sod off, you two. I am telling Shannon about my New Year's experience! You are ruining it!

_Ha! Pay up, Moony. Sirius referred to his diary as a person again._

_Thanks, Padfoot, now I'm five galleons shorter._

_You too, Sirius! You bet five galleons you would never refer to the diary as a person, ever!_

I-I was kidding. Can't you take a joke?

_No, you were Sirius._

Not funny.

_Doesn't stop you, now does it?_

James, Remus, sod off! As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted-

_You mean before you so politely invited us too._

-we had this New Year's party. And it was wild. I mean, we're the Marauders, we have to be wild, right?

_No, you have to be Sirius._

James! Let me guess-Peter's going to start interrupting, too?

_No, he's with Pomfrey. _

Still?

_Well, Sirius, you did make him grow an elephant trunk-_

That was meant for Snivellus!

_Does that make it any better?_

_Yes._

Yes.

_You have to understand, Remus, that pranking Snivellus is a delicate art-Snivellus is a special case._

Yeah, a special case of a git with greasy hair and an oversized nose.

_Who was best friends with Lily._

_You bigots._

You dare call us bigots? Who stood up for you and your-

_Shh! Don't mention it here!_

_-furry little problem._

Ha. Sounds like you have a mad rabbit, or something.

…_Write your story, Sirius._

'Kay, so, we threw our usual wild party-and of course it was wild, we're the Marauders! We had it in the Gryffindor common room, and we snuck off to Hogsmeade and the kitchens-

_Shh! Sirius, what if someone gets the diary?_

Psh. You're such a worry werewolf. Now let me continue-we snuck off and returned with Butterbeer, right? And a little Firewhiskey, which won't be mentioned to Minnie or Evans-

_They'll know when they find your book._

That won't happen.

_Hey, Remus-has Sirius told you that one time Lily caught him writing in it?_

_No, he hasn't. Sirius-_

Don't nag.

_-at least put a locking charm on it._

Later, I'm busy. Can't you see I'm talking to Shannon? …Dang. ANYWAY-we got all the food and drinks, right? And we sent anyone else that wasn't in sixth year or higher up to bed. Then we had to put a sensory charm on the common room which warned if someone was coming, or if any of the lower years got out of bed, right? After all that, the party was in motion.

It was a wonderful-

_Terrible-_

_Funny-_

Interesting-

Oh, bloody heck! Don't tell me Peter's here, too!

Sorry.

'_Heck', Sirius? You already said bloody-_

Remus wants me to keep my cursing or whatever on a minimum, I don't know. Peter, if you're going to be here, you need to be quiet. Got that?

Okay.

Now let me continue-it was a wonderful, not-at-all-terrible, funny, interesting party. Nothing bad really happened-

_Except you got Lily drunk._

Aw, Moony, I wanted to tell that! Anyway, I may have spiked Lily's drink-maybe-

Didn't James do it, too?

Peter! What did I say about being quiet? No, James didn't do it, all because of some nonsense of not wanting to hurt his 'Lilyflower'-

_It wasn't nonsense, Padfoot._

Right, okay. Whatever flies your broom. But okay, yes-Lily got drunk. And I take full credit.

_That's not very wise._

_Since when has he ever been 'wise', Moony? He's thicker then the castle walls._

Ha!

All of you, shut it and sod off! I'm telling my story! So Lilykins got a bit tipsy. She was stumbling around, it was hilarious. She kicked James in the nuts-

_Which hurt._

-and kissed Fredrick McLaggen-

_WHAT! I'm going to kill that little ferret…_

…Ha!

_Sirius…_

What? James is gone, that's all that matters.

_Gone to kill Fredrick._

Do I look like I care?

_No, you look a little ugly._

James?

_Bye. THE FERRET-…_

Is he really gone?

_*sigh* Yes, Sirius._

'Kay. She kissed Fredrick McLaggen on the cheek-

What?

That's what I said.

_Sirius, you-_

Handsome devil?

_Ugly prat._

Hm. Well you can leave right now, Mr. W-

_Shh!_

What was that, w-

_Shut it, Sirius!_

Couldn't here you, w-

_I'm leaving._

Okay, bye, nice to see you go! Hello, Peter.

Um…I'll…I'll just go…

Good lad! As I said, she gave Freddy McLagg a smooch on the cheek-it was a riot, really. Then, to add to the amusement-(and her embarrassment, which won't be mentioned to Lily)-she finally passed out. In the middle of the dance floor.

Hilarious.

James and I had to carry her on the couch (Much to Jamesie's delight) and give her a potion. She woke up, no hangover-and no memory.

That won't be mentioned to Lily, either.

Anyway, after she yelled at us for simply standing in front of her, she went up to bed.

I wouldn't mind if Prongs married her-that redhead is just too funny.

Not as funny as I am, of course.

Anyway, I got to go. I can hear the shrieks of Fredric McLaggen from up here, and it's really putting me off my sleep. Oh, yeah, right-the James thing. Well, better save my ears and Freddie McLagg!

Signing Off,

The Great Sirius Orion Black

…James usually says something right here…okay, um…Bananas!


End file.
